So, my head is a bus with a large and noisy array of internal characters.
(I should probably acknowledge here that I am so throat it's not funny so I'm in the HABIT of thinking of my Self as a head-on-a-meat-sack, but I KNOW and have been practicing yoga long enough to KNOW know that it is not my HEAD that is a bus, but my whole Self. My body is a character. Probably several. My heart probably another. Spirit, soul, the whole nine yards.
But my head is probably the place where things are most VOCAL. Because, you know, of the throat thing. Moving on...)
Okay, so I've been dealing with some Monsters lately and today I got to hear some of them really say their piece. Because of all the things that I've been running up against lately. Like this. And this. And this. Because I'm opening myself to running up against them. Bump, scrape, ooooohhh.
Yes, ouchy.
But good, too. Seeing as the "why am I here" thing is answered in the phrase "to find out", I really do LIKE to find out these things, to find out what is REAL, what is really going on, to question my perceptions, to test my beliefs, to make sure that my bus has as little mud on the windscreen as possible.
But still, ALSO, ouchy.
Here's how it went down...
So I went to a lovely cafe with a nice courtyard where I got to be ALONE and it has a gorgeous tree and nice furniture and I had a delicious lunch including a vanilla slice which was bloody lucky for me because my body could enjoy the food as I watched this very weird, nasty FULL-ON sub-conscious STUFF flow the fuck out of my pen.
Me: *sits quietly, acknowledges the presence of the looming monster that has been looming and lurking and generally threatening. Let them know that I'm listening.*
Monster: You will be banished to the outer reaches of the galaxy...
Monster 2: And rightly so!
Monster 1: ...if anyone FINDS OUT about *sneering* YOU, about who you reeeally are.
Turns out it is a double act, a two-headed monster. They are judges. They are sitting behind a vertiginous bench and extolling their Judgement on me. They loom over me a bit like huge vultures. In cloaks and wigs. But in a really scary way.
Judge 1: You are a BAD PERSON, make no bones about it. BAD MOTHER, bad daughter, bad wife, bad friend, bad housekeeper, bad employee, bad bad person.
(J2 is nodding and looming furiously to make sure I am Taking This All In).
J1: Everything that you do is still never going to be enough because you are a fundamentally bad person and the world would be better off without you.
J2: Except certain people and projects have become attached to your face and what you do and what you know and killing yourself would just cause extreme damage, how dare you even THINK that you selfish, evil BITCH.
J1: Which is in no way an endorsement of YOU, just what you do and what you know and if your face and body could be filled by someone BETTER, believe me, the outer reaches of the galaxy would be too good a place for you! Think outer reaches of the Universe or really the best option would be if you just didn't exist AT ALL.
J2: You should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
Me: *squeaks* ...I am...
J1: Well GOOD. You should be, you pathetic, whiny-assed, selfish, lazy, no-good fraudulent whore!
J2: SHAPE UP!
J1: And that is all I am going to bother even wasting my breath saying to you.
J2: GET TO WORK.
(They turn their back to me and stare at the wall, I back away quietly. A shrieky panicky voice starts up next to me; turns out I have a lawyer...)
L: QUICK quick quick get to work!! Do better!! Don't fuck up, for god's sake or you will be banished, hurry up!!
My outer-me eats half the vanilla slice and thinks I am very mean to myself and is curious to find out what comes next and Shiva-Nata Level 2 is the best, look at what I am finding out here! Catch my breath, re-enter...)
*I listen in to my lawyer who is pulling at her frizzy hair, smoothing down her rumpled clothes then scrunching them again, scrabbling to pack up her notes and looking furtively around to see if anyone has spotted me still being here or her being seen with me. She has badly bitten nails and is made entirely of panic. She is talking to me, but kind of under her breath, repeating herself, rambling around and round.*
L: Don't say no, you can't say no, you HAVE to do it, it doesn't matter that you already have too much to carry, it all needs to be done and it is your job to do it, so just hurry up and do it quickly. AND SMILE for fucks sake, or they'll KNOW!! Oh god, just do it...
Me: But this is magical thinking like Cairene said! I CAN'T do everything you want me to, you know I'm only human. I need to set some limits, and to be allowed to defend them.
L: NO NO NO NO NO NO!! Oh my god, NO, don't you GET IT???! If you DEFEND them they will fight you and hurt you and then they will LEAVE YOU DON'T YOU GET IT??
Me: *hurt* So what? I don't believe you anyway. I am a GOOD PERSON, dammit. People who really know me, and really love me, will stay with me. And if they don't then that is their loss anyway.
And if they leave because they need something that I can't give them, then that is NOT my problem. That is THEIR stuff. I'm allowed to have things that are inviolate. That nobody is allowed to touch, dammit. That have a right to exist. It's NOT my job to give what I can't give. They need to find it in themselves - it is their problem to own, not mine.
(Then it appears the lawyer has an assistant. He is smug and sleazy and secretly thinks the lawyer is crap and he could do a way better job but certainly isn't going to step in on MY behalf, I definitely deserve whatever punishment my shitty representation ends up lumping me with, hehehe..."
Lawyer's assistant: Yeah right, not your problem... Except that they will leave you and you'll be alone again. Trust me, you are much better off maintaining the status-quo outside and pulling that fucking rabbit out of that fucking hat somehow and TRY and come up with a better solution next time you stupid little dishonorable fuckwit.
(I sit down. Finish the vanilla slice. I am appalled at my inner dialogue. But not really surprised. Frank shows up, she's been here the whole time, sitting behind me. Of course. She is a fucking stalwart and a champion. I am so glad she's here. She leans forward and puts her hands around my shoulders. Oh thank GOD for Frank. She is the best.)
Frank: It's okay honey. You know they're just trying to ...look after you... You know that you are safe and sovereign and nobody can really hurt you.
Me: I know. Look, I have vanilla slice.
*whispers to Frank* They're all just a pack of cards!!
(Frank grins, hugs me, the room has transformed into the scene from Alice in Wonderland, we giggle a little bit).
F: Yes! And I've got you, it's just a bad dream and you can wake yourself up any time you want.
*takes me by the shoulders and looks at me sternly* ANY TIME YOU WANT. You don't have to be afraid. They're just a pack of cards.
(The courtroom dissolves, we are sitting on a park bench in my kingdom garden. Wide lawns, tall trees, quiet except for a faint insect-y hum. Warm. Safe. MINE.)
And you're right, you do have boundaries that need to be respected. You do need to defend them, and you need to put up strong fences so that people KNOW where they are. So that YOU know where they are. So that people and things don't go spreading themselves all over you, and so you don't go ...leaking yourself... all over the place either.
We need you here, in our realm. You're the Queen and we need you to be here so you can make the decisions. Cos, frankly, some of the courtiers are pretty CRAP at it!
Like your lawyer? Oh my god, she's TERRIFIED! Of everything. She is NOT giving you good advice, and she really shouldn't be left as Power of Attorney.
We need you here so you can ...relieve her of her duties...
And the judges? They're really brutal to you but they're trying to motivate you. They want you to succeed and are ...sad and frustrated... that you've had so many 'lessons' and 'learning experiences'. So much hard. They're so mean t you because they're trying to get you to fight back, to get angry and use that anger and adrenaline as fuel to get you going. They're worried about dying and not having MATTERED. Not what you did, or said, or knew, but that YOU won't have mattered.
Me: *baffled* But, what else are we if not what we do and say and know and think? If all of that combined is not what makes us US? Huh?
Frank: I know... YOU know... They?.... don't get it. It's okay. They need some straight talking, and philosophy lessons, and to see you love yourself, your SELF. And the way they will see that is if you love what you do, what you say, and how you do it. Not to see you ...recognise in theory, intellectually, in principle that ONE should love ONESELF.
They need to see you DO IT. They need to see you build those fences and be here, be the Queen, live authentically.
Me: I don't know how...
Frank: Yes you do.
Me: I'm frightened.
Frank: I know. That's okay.
Me: I don't want to fight. I hate fighting. I hate getting hurt. I hate other people hurting.
Frank: I know. That's okay too. But what is yours is yours and what is theirs is theirs and you can't keep hurting yourself by not having these fences. It's a very short-term strategy. And they'll end up hurt anyway when they discover that's what is yours remains yours even when you GIVE it to them... freely, of your own volition, whatever, it always remains inherently yours.
And it doesn't matter how much you both might wish it and want it to be theirs it never will be because it is yours. They have their own somewhere, and they need to go and find it inside themselves and love THAT. They are never going to find it in your because you belong only to yourself and always will.
And baby, that's just the way it is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Return to the cafe. Finish my tea. Take a few deep breaths. Integrate.
Whoah.
