Bk bk bekirk. Checkin-in.
Once again, thanks to Havi for the concepts and tools and quite a bit of the language....
Hard
- Deeply sad about something I wish was otherwise. Tears as I try to keep my finger in the dike of inevitability.
- Realising that my boundary-breach-permissions and over-commitments are part of my very, very old make-the-most-of-it-before-they-take-it-away-from-you pattern of taking-under-false-pretences.
Saying things are okay when they are not. Saying I can deal with more things when my plate is already full. Short term strategies.
Asteya/non-stealing is very hard to live with so much fear so deep-set.
- Too many things to do, impossibly too many, and not being able to rationalise them, to let anything go in case…. in case… in case….
- Which leads directly to the overwhelm, avoidance, shame loop. BORING and, you know, yuk.
- Being the horse with the water right there and STILL… stuck. Frustrated at all these LAYERS.
Good
- The Carpenters mix tape on loop.
- Kefir a. arrived, b. brewed, c. doesn’t taste absolutely awful. Roll on health.
- The Tools game. Soooo much fun seeing as I got Future Me to play it. Love a hope injection in a sad week.
- Got a couple of forms and supporting documents into the mail at laaaaast. Money will be forthcoming. Like, yay me. But, as irritatingly slow as it is, I am at least making some forward motion.
Still, rainy days and Mondays always get me down…
(being okay with this, I am being okay with this, it is okay to be here, even though even though even though)
