Hioh. Big week.
Hards
- For the want of a nail situation that made me look and feel like a complete flake, again. So sick of this. More than a flake, but I can’t think of a better word. Useless, not solid, unreliable, she-who-will-let-you-down.
- Realised that in allowing myself to get into nail free situations I AM a flake. A non-flake is a person who is rarely if ever without a spare nail.
- Deciding that I absolutely, one hundred per cent, without a shadow of a doubt want to change my life to allow myself to live a non-flake life. For my sanity. For the people who rely on me. For my DIGNITY! Enough!! Here, right here, this is a boundary.
- Knowing that insisting on systems and practices that will honour the new clear boundaries may mean sacrificing something that I hold most dear. Sad (but still committed).
- Looking up the internets and doing the quizzes and coming to admit the word ‘depression’ and I might have something to do with one another. Damn.
- Scared of what will happen now that I’m following my intuition through this misty part of the road. Part of me thinks that I will be the unique case where following your heart and all the other spirit-led, enlightened, authentic living instructions fail and I will end up completely rooted after all.
Goods
+ Committed myself to my own good, first and foremost. Wow! I am wearing an invisible ring on my other ring finger. From myself, to myself. COMMITTED.
+ Really came to understand that complicating the truth is never sustainable (eg. well it’s not really what I want but if I make up for it with X or Y then I can live with it for a bit longer).
Simple = hard + worth it/sustainable.
Complicated = easier + not worth it/unsustainable.
My new mission statement: Make it simple, to last your whole life long.
(Everything I need to know about life I learned from the Carpenters).
+ Described new boundaries, need for systems and practices that will support and honour these boundaries and wasn’t met with the need to sacrifice that which I hold most dear. #Reprieve!
+ Quit my job without another to go to. Husband shockingly okay with my need to do this. Ego somewhat bruised but glad to quit the magical thinking that was never going to work and make a Plan B which still might. So, I’m ‘freelancing’ again.
+ Jennifer Louden’s insights into how to cope with life being as it is without the need to run away, hide and breakdown. Gave me inspiration for the Actually Useful job I can give to my Judgement and Condemnation monsters so they can lay off ME for a while!
+ Riding the wave of my intuition. Feeling good ebbing and flowing alongside feeling scared. #hope
Gah! Ooooofffa… *everythingwillbeokayeverythingwillbeokay*
x
