It's not about me. And that's actually a really good thing!

So I'm getting the message that "it's not about me" from all kinds of places right now (such as here, and here, and here, and then also my heart which is obviously receptive to this idea right now which I choose to believe means that I Am Ready, even if there are parts of me that aren't).

And I've been working with a 'mindfulness' practice... well, to greater and lesser extents since I was seventeen years old and did my first batch of therapy and tried to actually 'hear' what I was saying to myself. But particularly as I've been putting myself through therapy for the last year, mindfulness, awareness, observation and conscious interaction with my self-talk, beliefs, fears, hopes, dreams, feelings, needs, desiiiiires etc has been my practice.

If I can remain conscious of Who I Am, determine where the boundaries are, then I'm going to be much more able to recognise any infraction, and to find peaceful, strong, healthy ways to honour and defend those boundaries. By stepping into my life and living within my boundaries (defining: this is congruent with Who I Am, this is not,) by staying true to Who I Am, being more Frank, then I am never going to find myself again Living A Life That Does Not Belong To Me and inflicting the kind of damage and pain that doing so was creating for myself and people around me.

Hmmmm. Right. So, in the theology 1.01 class I am undertaking we've found the word I was looking for around everyone's essential personhood, which is Atman. And also I've been tryyyying for the last year to wrap my head around and integrate the kind of ideas that one of Havi's teachers Hiro talks about: the multiverse as a network of energy and our 'selves' as points of consciousness in the overall Everything. I kind of got there with the Shoreline metaphor. Small-s 'self' = 'I, Claire', Big-S 'Self' = The Whole, the Everything, Universal Consciousness ommonommmoooommmm.

And here's how I explained it to myself (even if it read as if I was Lecturing Because I Know So Much About It, sorry if that's is how it comes across) at Simone's blog....

Who we are is one point of consciousness on an interconnected web of universal consciousness/existence. The empathy capacity is what we use to ‘tune in’ to the suffering and the joy of the Whole, but neither the suffering or the joy ‘belongs’ to the particular point of consciousness through which it passes at any given moment. Your suffering and my suffering are really both part of Our Suffering.

I think we get lost when we forget to release ‘our’ suffering, and fear to relate and imagine ‘your’ suffering because our suffering cups are full, can’t take no more. When our experiences become Who We Are rather than our personhood/atman like you were talking about the other day.

And in that sense, ‘your’ healing is my healing, and your mom’s, and anyone else who connects with what you share.

Similarly, your success/praise/joy/privilege is not ‘yours’ either and you don’t have to worry whether you deserve it or not, you are the vessel of those experiences. I guess it comes down to how you allow them to fuel your mission?

‘I am the vessel’. This message is showing up all over the place right now. It’s liberating! Terrifying in another kind of way, but an exciting way I think. My role is to allow, to permit, to ‘midwife’ something bigger than myself that comes through me. Whoa.

What fights surrender? Ego I guess – the delineation of Me from You. Ego hates surrender because ego is a superpower we evolved to ensure we protect the vessel of the lived experience, our bodies and our DNA. Ego produces fear because fear ensures we fight for the scraps of food and don’t leave our babies out for the sabre toothed tigers and shit like that.

I guess once we’ve got the food, shelter, safety from predatory life-forms needs out of the way ego has done its part and we can take over.

Right. So, we've got a few concepts lying around the floor now as I've brain-spewed the ideas and thoughts rattling around and I haven't even GOT to the point about "conscious entry" that this post was supposed to be about. Which is actually a perfect example of the need for Conscious Entry that I'm noticing: everything takes more time, is more detailed than I anticipate, lots more time needs dedicated to preparing the background, cultivating the soil before planting the seeds.

Okay, so concept tidying, and maybe later I'll get to my thoughts on Conscious Entry.

It's not about me: I am the vessel, the vehicle. My role is to allow, to permit, to surrender to That Which Is Greater Than I (my Mission From God).

Following the calls of my heart, living as My Authentic Self, will be the process by which I permit and allow my Mission to unfold. I am a good person, dammit, and what I want to create in my heart will make the world a better place.

To add another metaphor to the mess: the ideas to work with now is how I play midwife to my Mission: nurture my small-s 'self' (Claire, the 'mother' figure in this metaphor), through the gestation of my Mission; guide myself and my mission through the equally terrifying and sublime experience of bringing it forth from its early growing home into the 'real world'; and ensure that it 'I' the mother have and know all I need to care for it, nurture it and support it as it grows from being a tiny, sweet thing into its own energetic, self that can survive my small-s 'self' being involved or not.

.....brain spew!!....

I am a vessel: as in 'I, Claire' am the vessel, the vehicle, for That Which Is Greater, my mission, that which can only come through me, but is not ME. The Mission is an energetic construction of the Whole, it does not belong to me 'I, Claire'. That which supports it, benefits from it, threatens it are not supporting/benefiting from/threatening me 'I, Claire' but rather That Which Comes Through Me.

I am the midwife: it is my role to support, guide and protect "I, Claire" in her role as vessel to the Mission. The way I do that is by living My Whole Life, stepping into my life fully, living my life in accordance with, in ways that are congruent with, My Authentic Self.

I am a singularity amidst the network, and the Mission cannot come to be through any other point of consciousness than myself, the 'I, Claire'. But in surrendering to the roles of vessel and midwife then not only will the Mission come to be, but the congruent life I get to experience as 'I, Claire' will be that which makes me most truly, wholly, sustainably happy, energise and complete.

Ego, the 'I, Claire', is there to define my boundaries. This is really useful. This supports the Mission coming into being. It also HAPPENS to make me really happy and living a brilliant life. Not because I consciously try to make my self 'I, Claire' happy, but because I SURRENDER to That Which Is Greater Than I, Claire.

In detaching (?is this the Bhuddist kind of detachment??) from my fear-driven tactics to support and protect 'I, Claire' where I strive to experience only certain kinds of pleasure and pain, in allowing myself to surrender to What Must Happen (oooooh, birth metaphor in there!!), then I allow the myself to A) live out my Life Porpoise, and B) be ACTUALLY happy, and happy ANYWAY, happy even through the shitty, hard, grindy bits. Because I, 'I, Claire' will be looked after anyway.

!!!!!!!

Whoa.

So this isn't going to get to Conscious Entry after all. I have a lot to percolate on right here.

Which also gives more time for all the resources I need to create the 'meta' for the kind of Conscious Entry rituals I want to develop to land in my lap.  Which is one of my superpowers - having exactly what I need to land in my lap. Thank you Universe, I so love that particular blessing.

OOOooooommmmmooooommmmmmmnnooommmooommmmnnoom!!!

Mwah!!! xxxxxoxoxoxoxxo