So, you're depressed and you're stressed and things are really dark.
And one of the things you think immediately after saying out loud "I'm feeling crap" is "I can't feel crap. Look at my life. I'm so privileged. First world problems. I have INTERNET access for fucks sake. Why am I such an ungrateful, hateful person. Ugh."
Which is now a Very Interesting Clue to my newly COMPLETELY ENLIGHTENED* mind that is grokking the weird paradox that you have to allow yourself to feel crap in order to feel better.
*this is entirely not true, but it certainly feels post-epiphinial and all revelated and shit. Yeeeeeah!
So it's pretty much what Havi's on about, and my husband pointed me in the direction of a magazine article he'd found which told me that this approach is totally in line with a psychological/therapy theory called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which started in the mid-80s and is an evolution of traditional CBT and has LOADS of scientific research to verify its effectiveness and OMG I'm going to get training in it and set myself up in business SAVING THE FREAKING WORLD with this stuff!!!!!
Essentially, if you feel [anxiety] and you try to Not-Feel [anxiety], you end up in a downward spiral. Oh my god, I've got anxiety again, gah, I have to STOP feeling anxiety. Calm DOWN. NOW!! Quick!! Oh my god, you're still not calm, you're still anxious. Oh now I'm anxious about BEING anxious gaaaaaah!!!
Acceptance = mindfulness/detachment from our thoughts, feelings and interpretations of reality. Because 'Actual Reality' and 'Our Experience' can be veeeerry different things. Yes? Yes. We'll expand on this elsewhere. But run with me on that, for now.
So 'Our Experience' may be quite separate from 'Actual Reality', or not. Either way, sometimes it just sucks. SUUUUCKS!!! Pain. Sadness. Fear. Loss. Change. Stubbed toes. Death. Things that Are Not Pleasant In The Slightest.
Yuk... oh hooray for the glorious tapestry of human experience excuse me but if you tell me I should just look on the bright side if am likely to want to punch you in the face. Just sayin.
So ACT is not about denying the crappy, the suckitude. Acceptance. Ugh. My life sucks right now. Accept it. Radical acceptance.
Alone? Really not that HELPFUL. But check this out....
ACT sets us to using, learning about, experimenting with, inventing a bunch of COPING techniques for feeling the [feeling] or thinking the [thought] but maintaining a loving-yet-detached observing mindfulness about it all.
Playing the Cooool-as-a-Cucumber Responsble Camp Counsellor to the Freaking Out Kid inside ourselves, as well as being the Freaking Out Kid. I use the metaphor of midwife to the birthing mother but that's cos I'm preggo and obsessed!! Being the cool as a cucumber midwife to the freaking out birthing mother as WELL as being the birthing mother.
Mostly. You'll end up engaging with the thoughts/feelings/interpretations because they FEEL so real. And the practice is to learn to detach/observe rather than accept their reality without question. Yes?
Like this:
Oh, look at that, I'm feeling anxious again. Yes, I've got a knot in my stomach and my throat feels constricted and I'm getting a headache. And even if I don't know what it is that I'm anxious about, I'm feeling it and I'm just going to accept that this is where I'm at right now. I'm feeling anxious. It doesn't say anything bad about me, it doesn't define me, it's temporary. Okay. What can I do to help me COPE with these anxious feelings and thoughts? Long exhalations? Yes, that seems to help. Shake my arms and legs a bit? Hmmmm, a little. Oh god this is stupid!!!! This isn't going to work. Oh, wait.... I'm getting anxious about being anxious. Okay. Again, I'm just going to allow myself to be here for a while. Maybe I can exhale again, that did help a bit. Okay.... etc
And there are LOOOOOOAAADS of coping techniques. Accupuncture. Magic tapping. Reframing old stories. Stuff that works on the physical level, the emotional level, the mental level. CHOCOLATE. (sometimes!)
And it's also fantastic in that it's so EMPOWERING - you get to be the AGENT of your own healing. You get to play with and experiment with whatever techniques work for YOU, and wherever you are you have the agency to alter how you ARE within the context of your experience.
Not like medication where Oh My God I Dont Have Any Meds Left I'm Freaking Out addiction or Oh My God My Therapist Is Out Of Town I Don't Know What To Do Without Her co-dependence.
Everything you need lies within you. You have permission to be where you are and to find out what you need and to take care of yourself by ensuring you receive what it is that you need.
Permission!!! Power!!!! Agency!!!! Immediately you feel less freaked out by [whatever] and more curious about how to deal with it.
BRILLIANT! I LOOOOOOOOOVE THESE IDEAS!!!!!!!!
(apologies for exclamation mark abuse. I'm enthused!)
Why like this??
Well, to me, it's like magnets. And the third law of thermodynamics = that every action has equal and opposite reaction.
As human beings we have a normal, human, beneficial in lots of ways except when it's NOT beneficial tendency to get too caught up in the problem:solution left-brain analytical, language stuff.
Oh these ginormous brains of ours. We cannot switch them off. Which is FABULOUS and look - we have INTERNET ACCESS have you stopped to consider the marvels of what our brains can do for us today??
But then... the crappy side of it. Ugh. THAT!!
Like this: (nb. insert your own [blanks])
I'm feeling [anxious] = problem
So I'll try to feel [not anxious] = solution
or
I made [you] feel bad/hurt = problem
So [I'll] feel bad/guilty = solution
or
I'm thinking that [I'm a bad mother] = problem
So I'll think that [I'm NOT a bad mother] = solution
But it doesn't work. Its because of the energy of the transaction and the physics of it. Look, using the examples above...
I'm feeling [anxious] so I'll try to feel [not anxious]
= equal amount/direction of effort, opposite feeling/quality
to this, where we switch it around
I'm feeling [anxious] so I'll ALLOW the [anxiety]
= equal feeling/quality, opposite amount/direction of effort.
or
I made [you] feel bad so [I'll] feel bad
= equal feeling/quality, opposite direction
(Oh yeah. Thanks. That's really helpful to me HOW???).
to this
I made you feel [bad] so I'll make you feel [good]
= equal direction, opposite feeling/quality.
Which takes a shitload more courage and maturity and effort than just doing penance by feeling really guilty. How about this? You did a shitty thing. It hurt someone you care about. How about you just ACCEPT that responsibility and COMMIT to doing something about it to make amends? Hrmmph.
But back to the switcheroos...
I'm thinking I'm [a bad mother] so I'll think [I'm not a bad mother].
= equal direction/force, opposite thought
And then what happens with our super-powered left brained language entrenched brains here?
Yes you are. No I'm not. Yes, you ARE. NO, I'm NOT. YES YOU ARE - you shouted at your kids today! NO, I'm NOOT - I'm only human. Yes you ARE. Oh Shut Up. YOU shut up. No you. No you. No YOU. No YOU. Oh real mature. How can you say that??....*
Useful use of energy right? NO!!!! It's EXHAAAAAAUSTING!!!!
* Yes, I've totally watched The Simpsons movie enough to quote pretty much all of it... so?
So compare that to this
I'm thinking [I'm a bad mother] so I'll ALLOW myself to think [that] regardless of whether this is true or not, and get on with giving them a bath and putting them to bed.
= equal thought, opposite direction/force. And instead of getting caught up in a Homer Simpson internal argument you can actually BE THERE with your kids giving them a bath and BE THERE when your kids give you a huge hug goodnight and love you as if they think maybe just maybe you ARE a good mother....
Like magnets repelling, if you push against the feeling or the thought, the energy of that feeling/thought has nowhere to go. It creates resistance and you get caught up in it, the feeling stays and actually gets more intense the harder you push against it.
Go opposite, ALLOW the feeling or thought, put your energy and effort into the allowing and coping and bearing witness and permitting the feeling or thought to be there, and the energy of the feeling/thought runs out of steam eventually. (That's the SECOND law of thermodynamics. Oooooh I loooove the physics of metaphysics!!)
Honestly - it works. Because THINGS CHANGE.
If you're feeling anxious about failing an exam, you will end up either failing it, or not failing it. But either way, the exam will happen and you'll know what the outcome was and be dealing with something else. Like a shitty GPA, or relief. And if you've spent weeks anxiously anticipating it then either way you'll be dealing with post-anxiety exhaustion.
But the point is things CHANGE. So if you can use your energy more efficiently than FIGHTING with yourself, procrastinating, beating yourself up for procrastinating, caught up in the endless circular thoughts, blah blah blah blah BLAH.... then regardless of whether you fail the exam or not, you DO have some control over whether or not you end up dealing with a shitty gpa AND exhaustion, or just a shitty gpa. Whether you get to ENJOY the phew-I-passed relief, or whether you're too depleted to actually feel good about it.
Yes? I know, I'm rambling... Bear with me.
And actually, for all its intensity our riptides of emotions usually run out of steam pretty quickly without the kind of validation and FEEDING energy that engaged, resisting, fighting attention gives it. And allowing is a whole lot less draining than fighting. ALWAYS.
But sometimes it's much scarier. Riptides ARE scary. Because, you know, of the IMMINENT DEATH stuff.
And it takes time and practice and courage and maturity and self-awareness and Really Helpful Techniques to learn to remember that you are ALSO the bedrock when you're caught in the riptide and your body and brain are screaming at you about the IMMINENT DEATH!!!!!
But, you CAN learn. You can PRACTICE leaning into the bedrock. Detaching. Mindfulness. Being a yard ornament!
AND EVEN BETTER!!!! You can learn how to Be Your Broken, Damaged, Slightly Screwed Up Human Self and add notes to the Book of You, your own personal User's Guide to Being You.
Like this...
Oh there you go, I'm in [trigger situation] and there's that [feeling] again. Okay. Hmmmmmm...... exhaaaaaaaaaale..... ooookay, actually it seems to have come to my attention that my period is due in about fifteen seconds, maybe what I'm [feeling] has something to do with that and not so much to do with [trigger]... hmmmmmmm...... exhaaaaalle.... also I guess I could [do x to remove trigger somewhat].... exhaaaaaaale..... okay, i'm feeling a bit better now. I'm going to go make a note on the calendar about my pmt days and make sure I don't schedule [trigger] in on those days next month and see how that goes....
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Isn't it AMAZING???????!!!!!!!
It TOTALLY WORKS too!!!!
I'm going to train in this stuff and SAVE THE WORLD!!
Radical acceptance!!! With coping techniques!!! And USEFUL INFORMATION TO HELP SET UP OUR LIVES SO WE DON'T FEEL LIKE SUCH CRAP NEXT TIME!!!
And then the Commitment part is all about working out what your values are and what you want out of your life. And usually (ALWAYS) that will involve dealing with some of our triggery stuff. Haha!
Stuff!! Baggage!! Crap!! Trauma!! We all have it. We can all get to know it and find out how it works and how to work with it so that it doesn't keep RUINING/RUNNING OUR LIFE!!!
Okay, so you want to incorporate more [time with your mother] into your life. But that means dealing with her [frustrating habit of doing xxxx]. And you know that [frustrating habit] tends to set off your [reaction] which you can cope with by using [xxx techniques]. Are you WILLING to go through the discomfort of [reaction], safe in the knowledge that you have [techniques] available, in order to [spend more time with your mother]? Yes? Great. Then COMMIT to [spending more time with your mother] and if/when [reaction occurs] COMMIT to dealing with it with [techniques] and then get back to [spending time with your mother].
Getting out of our own way so we can do more of what we really want to!!!
Yes please!!!!!!!! EXCLAMATION MARK ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway. Yes. The rest of my life might be falling apart right now (note the lack of Friday Check-ins, because trust me, you do not want to know) but I'm feeling very inspired about all this. So, that's good.
xoxoxo
