Compassion. Above all things, strive for compassion. (This, I believe!)
Not that I've ever met the Dalai Lama or read much of his stuff or studied the Buddhist or any otherist understandings of what compassion means. This is MY opinion and what works for me.
I did recently read Marshall Rosenberg's incredibly daggy book Non-Violent Communication which pretty much reflected my muddled up, amorphous, intuitive feelings on the matter but structured it all much more clearly. (And when I say 'daggy' I mean it is pretty damn daggy but it is STILL going to be the foundation of everything I ever create for the rest of my life!!)
Here goes...
Passion = feeling;
com- = like;
compassion = alike feeling
Compassion is understanding what somebody is feeling and why.
Compassion is not necessarily agreeing with their interpretation or their actions.
It is NOT 'feeling sorry for' somebody, although you might have this reaction when you understand the what and why of their feelings. However feeling sorry for them is YOUR reaction, not compassion itself.
To strive for compassion for somebody is to strive to understand:
- the emotions they were/are feeling;
- their own personal set of needs that inform their emotional response;
- the beliefs they hold that help create their needs
- the beliefs that shape their interpretations of their perceptions; and
- the desires that drive their actions.
I used to have a bad habit of putting too much faith in my own compassion abilities. While compassion IS one of my superpowers I've learned through pissing off my friends with my know-it-all-iness that even I can be wrong. (no really, astonishing but true!)
So for the last few years I've had the good grace to at least CHECK with my *compassion recipients* that my perceptions of their feelings, needs, beliefs and desires is actually correct before responding. (For the most part).
Once you're operating from a grounding of clear understanding of *where-they're-at* any response you provide is going to be soooooo much more appropriate and intelligent and well-received. Which makes the process of exchanging vulnerable stuff much more worthwhile, mais non?
Compassion is also a really good way to free yourself from the ghosts of people you can't respond to directly. Because they're random strangers, or your closest and dearest, or dead, or your mortal enemy from fifth grade who you've got no idea of their whereabouts, or they're on the other side of the world, or they're celebrities or politicians, or not listening or speaking to you ever again or vice versa, or whatever else may be the case. For some reason you're not able to engage in a conversation around issue X so you can learn what their feelings/needs/beliefs/desires are.
But they're still hanging around inside your HEAD. Taking up brain space and heart space and energy. Maybe you're still running over all the things you SHOULD have said to their cutting remarks. Or wishing they'd ever let you in enough to say xxxxx. Or they're just INFURIATING you with their blatant and ongoing stubbornness and stupidity. Or whatever else.
You have a life that is being interrupted by unhelpful-to-the-Mission-From-God stuff that comes up for you in response to Issue X with this person.
Compassion helps!!
Create a theory, a story, a hypothesis that re-humanizes them. That explains to you in a BELIEVABLE way what they could possibly be or have been feeling, needing and believing to drive their actions.
It doesn't matter if you're wrong or right with this particular exercise: the point is to find some peace of mind and put that ghost to bed.
There is often some mourning to go with it, a period of feeling-sorry-for-them. That's how you know you've come up with a story that has truly re-humanised them: if even their most fucked up actions can be seen as ...acting out, or self-medicating, or a maladaptive coping technique, or mistaken attempt to achieve X... as ways to try and address some underlying need that they couldn't find any better way to address in that moment. Some dumb, normal, human, understandable, forgivable need....
When you can get to the point where you can feel sorry for them, as well as sorry for yourself, then all that's left is sadness. And sadness, if you can just bear witness to it and let it be there for a while, always dissolves. Like mist in the morning.
Because sometimes life sucks.
And baby, that's just the way it is.
(Yes that's another Very Useful Phrase from Havi. Hey, she gives good copy!)
So. Compassion. And using it on everyone (including yourself and all the bits of You and the Past Yous that travel around inside you): it is so useful that I say strive for it above all things!
Tell me there would still be war or terror if we could all exercise this kind of compassion. I don't believe it.
Compassion is an exercise of the imagination. Failure to reach that compassionate, empathetic state is a FAILURE OF IMAGINATION and nothing less.
Can't get there? Try harder.
Still can't get there? At least open yourself to the possibility that there is every likelihood that there is a perfectly good explanation that would enable you to reach that compassionate perspective, if only you knew the full story.
I just don't believe in the evil gene.
Maybe I choose not to because I need to feel safe and that belief helps me sleep at night.
You can feel sorry for me because of that if you want, but I haven't found any evidence yet that convinces me there is a person through all history that might not have a perfectly good explanation.
Even if that explanation is that they're sociopaths who simply do not possess the physical and emotional capacity to understand why they shouldn't rape/kill/steal/mass-murder/etc. The actions are bad but you can't blame someone for not understanding if they don't possess the ability to do so.
Not that you let them ACT on their misguided understandings of the world, but why bother using up your own limited life energy HATING them and raging against them and asking Why? Why? Why?
Why? Because they're [fucked up and broken] (or insert some other story that works). Don't you feel sorry for them being that way? Certainly you must agree their [broken-ness] is nothing to envy!
And then, when they've been given the appropriate amount of sadness and forgiveness for being [broken], which might not be much, just enough to put that ghost to bed, you can get on with the real business at hand.
Compassion. Yes. Strive for it. Freedom lies that way!!!! This, I Believe!
