Regarding the vocabulary and all the 'Havi-isms' going on here.... I like the woman and I like what she does, and the language is just how I think nowadays. I have moved into her meme-beach house and started nailing picture hooks into the walls! I don't care, I'm not going to bother apologising because (as another friend says) this is MY BLOG so HA!
(Besides, 'nowadays' does not necessarily = forever, although if it does turn out that way I think that's fine.)
This is a journal, a workbook, but more than that: it IS (ever so slightly) public (for the very few people I've invited to share it) because doing so gives me a kind of accountability that is helpful. Thank gawd google hasn't found me! *must transfer over to a blog that doesn't use my DEERRR real name DEEERRRR so that I can have more safety. yes*
Pretty much I am putting myself through therapy for free with the good ship Fluent Self (and the expanding world of good people I'm finding through it). Yay, free therapy! Because
A) I need it,
B) therapy is expensive,
C) I've done enough in my life to get the process (tune in and observe my patterns and internal triggers and reactions and beliefs, fiddle, note outcomes and repeat), and
D) it helps.
I feel like I'm living with PURPOSE again, not just waiting for my life to begin or running through some endless dress rehearsal. This is now MY life, not some surface appearance I'm maintaining because..... because...... I feel like I have STEPPED INTO MY LIFE. And, oh god I can actually BREATHE now. Breathing is important. Like, very... Yes, tried to ignore my need for air and it didn't work and actually made me go insane.
A year has passed since the Major Life Implosion that had me asking one afternoon whether perhaps I was actually slightly sociopathic (are there degrees of sociopathy? At any rate I didn't really feel all that worried about anything which was probably dissociative coping mechanism in actuality and I was getting stoned on stress-induced opioids (sp?)).
A year since I was looking around at the debris of my life and my heart and wondering how the hell I had got there. How come all the steps along the way had made *sense*? When really, there was NOTHING about the situation that was reflective of ME at all. My values, my principles, my morals: nope, not living those out. The advice I would be giving anyone else in my situation? Not being provided to myself, let alone heeded. Nothing that was reflective of what I actually WANTED, just compromises in a hundred different directions.
A fair bit of confusion. To say the LEAST. Hence, the line in the new "bio" (ooh look, bio!) about journeying back to my real life.
To something that is congruent. Authentic. In alignment. TRUE.
Like with wheels on a car: when the wheels are all aligned the power of the engine is much more efficient and isn't getting dissipated off this way and that way and so you get there faster and more easily.
And that makes me HOPEFUL because I know that where I want to go is a good place, because I AM A GOOD PERSON, DAMMIT!!! My heart is going to yearn for good things for the world and for all the people in it, including me, and not just me. I am not going to want to manifest a world where other people get hurt, that is NOT reflective of me at all.
Where do I want to go?
I want to find a place that is PEACEFUL and SAFE. I want to find a place that is welcoming and supportive and caring, where I can sink into a huge comfy cushion and be held. Where love is the central, defining, creative quality. Where fear is understood to be the only source of destruction and is LOVED UP SO MUCH IT EVENTUALLY MELTS AWAY TOO.
Where the chop-wood-carry-water Stuff of Life is met without resistance or resentment. Where everyone helps chop-wood-carry-water and acknowledges that chopping wood is not harder than carrying water it is just different. Where the amount of water or wood being collected is simply received with gratitude and faith and joy. Where it isn't tallied up and measured out and compared to yesterday or compared to someone else or compared to what "should" be collected. Because that all comes out of a Fear of Not Enough, and means that no matter how much is collected it's never received with gratitude and faith and joy.
I want to find a place where EVERYONE is legitimate. Where we are all ACCEPTED, just as we are. That we are not faulty, even when we are not who or what we would like to be.
Where it is OKAY to be working towards enlightenment/ perfection/ the end of the road. To be IN PROCESS. In fact, where being In Process is understood to be as high an achievement as can ever be reached (because there IS NO END, there IS NO EXAM, there IS NOTHING ELSE).
That the process is all there is. Therefore, wherever you are in that process is FINE. Just keep on moving. How are you going? Do you have any tricks for helping me get through this BIT of the process that is a bit stuck? You're doing good. Keep it up. Try again. Sit down and rest, you can keep going tomorrow. In Process. On the road.
I have no point to make. I just wanted to let you in: or really, to let my Self out. All of me.
So, this is Me. Bringing myself out into the sunshine at last, showing up with all of me. Warts and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and all. And I have to say that I think I'm actually not as completely, hideously, shamefully Not Enough as I feared. I actually think I'm pretty alright. I think I'm a good person, actually.
Nice to meet you.
