The Friday Chicken: A (not quite) weekly review of what went down (and up), following the lead of my teacher and favourite bloggess yoga smartypants Havi....
It is the very middle of the night here but apparently my body will not sleep until I have downloaded. So, cluck.
(Fair warning: this may be my Cursing Like A Sailor edition because I can haz pain and cursing helps me move that energy out of my nervous system and muscles and hippy shit like that.)
Hard stuff
- thoughts and epiphanies and realisations and uncovering old pain. My pain. Family pain. Other people's pain. Poor everybody!! Oh lordy....
I know this is all for the good. It still hurts. I guess it means I am ready and strong enough to experience it so then it can dissolve like mist in the morning. So strong etc I no longer need to protect myself by not-feeling it.
So I'm feeling it. And it is Ow. (I think Ow must be like Om except the letters are upside down. Or maybe I am.)
- reading about Non-violent Communication which is kind of equal parts hilarious (yes I am judgey about bad pomes!) and tragic (oh crap.... society) and oh-my-god-we-can-save-the-world-yet (no no no don't give me hope and a WAY now I'm actually going to have to SAVE THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD!!!!!!!!)
Practicing trying to hear what are the feelings and needs underneath the words and feeling like I am emotionally illiterate. Which is not even an emotion but a judgement. I'm sure that new ways of hearing is related to the painfest.
- timing. It is hilarious. By which I mean it is entirely NOT hilarious at all, it is TRAGIC.
I am going through item 1 and 2 in the first week of September 2011. For fucks sake. OW.
Also: please, please, can't we all just learn to get along?? Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children???!!!??
Sensitive, romantic, idealist, bonobo hippy-chick has hard time this week.
- family pain. I am a grown up now. I was a child then. It was right that I was spared knowing that my parents were also fucked up and did fucked things to each other and to other people and to themselves before I would have had any concept of how to deal with such notions. Ow.
Hearing just how ???? (fucked!) ??? my brother-who-does-not-speak-to-us/I-don't-speak-to-but-only-because-I-don't-know-what-to-say-and-I-fear-I-am-not-welcome is, or at least one specific thing that he said that was entirely (fucked up!!) unnecessary and hurtful.
Aspergers is aspergers but being a fucking jerk is being a fucking jerk. And building a little shrine of bitterness and anger in your heart and acting as the high fucking priest to the temple of your pain around every little thing that hurt you, every mistake and error of judgement and act that hurt you for your entire fucking life is just a totally FUCKED UP way to operate.
And I know that it is just a maladaptive coping technique. Of which I've used my share too.
Ow.
Also I now have surprise family who no doubt have pain as well (and love and value and human-ness etc) which is why they want to come into my LIFE (well hi, isn't this awkward). Which I wouldn't MIND except I fear the pain that it will cause for another person that I love and I don't know what to do.
I feel protective of this person's right to stay in his comfort zone and not *go there* into his pain and fucked-up-edness and try and HEAL which I think he would have to do if I go and change things. That he has consciously chosen to stay broken because he doesn't... I don't know... believe he has the wherewithal to deal. Which, you know, I'm cool with. Not-going-there being the act of lesser self-violence.
Except, I guess, until the not-going-there-ness gets to the point of hurting other people. And while those people aren't me I don't feel good about letting someone I love cope-with-his-broken-ness in a way that hurts other people.
So, I guess I am looking for a way to mediate between two people's pain and two people's wishes to not be in pain.
It is hard.
And good conversations at last with another family member who has lots of pain too and with whom I have been in a pattern of hurting one another and I think/hope (dare I?) that maybe the pattern might change a little. Maybe? Ow.
So, awareness levels of old and new kinds of family pain are high. Also extrapolating from there into an appreciation of how GENERATIONAL and in fact entire CITIES and SOCIETIES and CULTURES of pain and trauma and poverty and despair can create a seemingly-endless loop of pain for the people caught inside them. OW.
- having a discussion on !!!theology!!! and feeling hurt by being judged and !!!!forgiven!!!! (FUCK OFF!!) for not conceptualising "god" the same way this person (whose opinion I care about) does.
Bloody hell, if God is so fucking infinite then I'm pretty damn sure he can cope with every bloody which way people choose to conceptualise 'him', and ACTUALLY if god is so fucking INFINITE then not only must he be able to cope with different ways of conceptualising him but in fact must ACTUALLY EXIST in every possible way of conceptualising 'him'. Including NOT EXISTING AT ALL which even I can't wrap my head around but infinity theory indicates that it must be so. I think.
So if you wanna get all fucking theological on my ass and talk about 'infinite' then don't go and get all fucking JUDGEY about what works for me and actually just proves and point and reinforces that my conceptualisation is less flawed after all so there nyah nyah nyah I've fucking thought about this shit so watch the fuck out, muthafuckers, you actually wanna take me on here?? REALLY????.
*grumble grumble fucking ooooh "he forgives you" for fucks sake.... grumble fucking give ME the shits grumble*
- thoughts and patterns around money and self-sabotage as a portal to big insights and huge epiphanies around maybe my oldest pain and maladaptive coping technique. I'm talking the one I came up with when I was eighteen months old. Maybe two... MAYBE. This "truth" about the universe and my place in it that I settled on when I was a BABY because I could not conceive how someone could love me AND also hurt me UNLESS it was actually all my fault somehow. That I was somehow faulty and deserved the pain even though I didn't understand why.
This belief is not me. It is a pattern. That I can deconstruct and play with. Ow.
JEEEEEEPERS HAVI!!! You go around creating a fucking SAFE PLACE where OKAY-NESS and acceptance and amnesty is built into the FABRIC of it all and people are going to go around and start feeling SAFE AND MAYBE EVEN LIKE MAYBE THEY ARE OKAY!!!!!!!!! Do you have ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH THAT SHIT??????? Oh my god!!!!! I might have to reconstruct my fundamental beliefs about the entire fucking universe and my place in it that includes the notion that MAYBE I AM OKAY!!!!
(That was a compliment, and an expression of gratitude, by the way. To clarify. Sorry for shouting... it's just that it's heavy stuff man... sorry. I just wanted to say thanks, again, and thought it would be funny to say it that way. Um, yes. Okay.)
Good stuff
+ see all of the above. Gunk clearing. Stuckness dissolving. Movement of energy. It's all good.
love love love love love love love to every single person in the entire history of the world ever even if you were completely fucked and did completely fucking awful things I send you love and grieve for your pain and the fact you could only find such awful maladaptive coping techniques to deal with it and also to every single person that has been at the receiving end of fucked up maladaptive coping techniques and more love all around and I'm sorry.
