Hard shtuff
- repressed dread and self-loathing (because who actually wants to FEEL that crap?) which then comes out as blllleeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh lethargy and low-grade anxiety. Cue chewed nails and creaking shoulders all last weekend. And Mon/Tue. Obsessively checking for interesting updates on the internets which is totally another anxiety coping mechanism I mean interesting clue...
- generally appalled by the pervasive stupidity of so much public policy. DUHH!!!
- waves of nausea and exhaustion and cracking headaches which I have been informed are probably pregnancy hormonal. Didn't happen like this last time! Not what I was expeeeeecctiiiiing!! (Must mean its a girl this time, right?)
- stupid of the stupid stupid bloody bureaucracy stupidities all over the place when I feel like my plate is already full thank you and it's all just stupid. I just want the switchboard to know my phone number so they can put my calls through to me and also for the hospital to tell me when I can come in for an appointment before the baby is crowning. Please.
- my plate is already full thank you
-
Knowing that is not true which leads to extra ladlefuls of guilt gravy and judgement croutons for being so sensitive/weak/failey/blah blah blah.
With a side-dish from the parts of me that KIND OF get the whole acceptance/loving kindness thing telling me I should be so much more advanced in my acceptance and loving kindness practice by now.... !!!!
Oh eff off, supercilious shithead therapy junky parts of me! Bloody hell.... I don't actually work with these ideas in order to give you more batons to beat me around the head with!! Blimey... (I am working with a cast of children inside me. Those ones are the snobby sixteen year olds who've just read Catcher in the Rye and really know so much more about it than YOU..... Barf! Ha!)
- money management. I am not good at it.
Yawn.
That will certainly suffice.
GOOD shtuff!!!!!
+ little lad turned five yesterday. !!!!. (This actually cannot be so and yet, it is true).
This is the first year he really "got it" and so we had fun all week building up the anticipation, "are you going to have a birthday? (yes.) will you be five? (yes.) would you like to have a ....party? (yes!) would you like a .....cake? (yes!!) would you like a .......present?!? (yes!!) would you like a ..........BIKE?!?!? (YES!!! I want a bike. I want a motorbike!) No."
My favourite part of the day yesterday was having him run into the kitchen SEVEN times to say "I've got a bike!!! Come look!!". And then, on the occasions I did go, showing me EVERY TIME "Look!" (ding ding ding) "A bell!"
We all had fun. Also: strawberries!! Mmmmmmmm.....
+ things feel good between me and my love. Could the merry-go-roller-coaster actually be slowing down a little? Yay!
+ meta. I see meta everywhere. Taking notes. Looking forward to devouring more information. My soul is hungry!
+ brain friends and batcaves. Having a new young friend to have lunch with, which means I don't actually hate every twenty-something Gen Y-er after all. Also having a vicarious
+ actually getting work done instead of procrastinating the fuck out of it feels so much better. Huh. Weird. Who would have possibly conceived of such a notion, hey Inner-Procrastinator? Hmmm?
+ huh, fancy that, the tiniest bit more accountability on my 'self-work' (ye gods, metaphor mouse come quickly!) gets my ass ever so slightly more into gear without it being such a big deal after all. Also, Pocket Shiva Nata app actually helps me find skerricks of time in my day to do shiva nata!! Several days this week!!! More than just good intentions!!!! Huh. Weird!!
+ boss of the most jobwebby job is actually a really nice lady not crazy. Feeling like we'll find a way through and that she recognises it's not me being useless/lazy/weak/failey, it IS the job/project that is crazy and far beyond the scope of what ANYONE could do. And that she is not going to let it stay that way.... (which some bosses I've known would TOTALLY do...)
+ spring has sprung. In fact it must be equinox today. Yes, it's the 23rd, there you are. Roll on summer! Mwah!! Pagan rituals and flower wreaths and bonfire dances or whatever you're meant to do on the spring equinox.
+ that is so not gas bubbling in my belly while I've been typing. Oh my gawwd!! I am spawn host! Teehee!!
Good night chooks. (Well, it's night down here for me, and spring too. Y'all better come over like Oprah told ya to!)
xox
