Hard shtuff.
- Right. Following on from where I left off last week (the extra cursing edition) there was some foetal pozzie under the blankets deep breathing and releasing of the pain of the entire world and all history.
But actually that should probably come under the good shtuff because it was a great reminder that no matter how bad you’re feeling you can surrender it and let it flow through your particular little point of consciousness and you don’t have to HOLD it, and that we’re all part of the network, matrix, one-ness, all-that-is, fountain, everything-ness and everything is big enough to hold it (obviously) so you ONE doesn’t have to.
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh.
- Heard this morning that a past colleague/friend had died recently, when I hadn’t even heard she’d got sick again and it took me by surprise. After hearing about another friend’s cancer diagnosis on Monday. And grieving for three friends who lost immediate family members last year and are still grieving. And knowing two more people I care about who are caring for people living with cancer and/or the after-effects.
And hating cancer with a passion…
- And saying so on the internet, but with an extra helping of cursing because (I have watched too much South Park) it helps me express my emotions (no judgement thanks, it does) (I would SO be a swearing Tourettesian!) and thinking it would get a bunch of high-five, yeah baby, I hear ya sister “likes” and it didn’t…..
And feeling stoopid for using language that can build barriers rather than just being clear about “I am sad and angry and sad and frustrated and sad and can I get some endorsement and acknowledgement that cancer sucks please”.
And also feeling irritated that other people see barriers instead of pleas for acknowledgement. And irritatingly suspicious that people want me to be sweet and beige and LESS INTENSE and I’m NOT sweet and beige nor do I have any *freaking* interest in being so, and isn’t that a GOOD thing? Garlic? Chilli? Dark chocolate? Shiraz? Or… mashed potato?…………
And knowing that it doesn’t REALLY matter, except thinking that it probably does a BIT because I don’t want my “blaaaaaaaah, this is me, as I am, right now” self-expressions to be violent and HURT-EY. Because THAT’S not me either…. *sigh*
- obsessing about that for most of the day today
- after having successfully dissolved my procrastination and actually sat down at my jobwebby desk this morning without feeling tangled in a bunch of jobwebs!!
DAMN!!! Another day of work I have to catch up on now!!!!
So cancer basically ruined my day, and I don’t even HAVE IT nor does anyone in my IMMEDIATE vicinity, which is ANOTHER reason why cancer can go and eat shit and die.
- sorry.
- spending resources when I should it would be kinder to myself to save them up for later.
- not putting in the time to make the most of some of the resources I’ve invested in that would also be kind to myself to use. This “self-care” issue is doggone tangled. Urrrghghgghgh. Bored with my own crap.
RAAAAHHHRRR
Good shtuff
+ schripituality. See above about the network, matrix, one-ness, fountain, collective consciousness, om baby, AND also the Freckled Brilliance blog. Cos there’s gold in that there blog. (Theologically obsessed atheistic agnostic yogini finds fellow lonely theologian! Yay!)
+ everything. EVERYTHING is good. Really, it is. I’m a living point of consciousness in the midst of the matrix of everything-ness and that means that as well as letting the pain flow through me rather than trying to hold it I can let all the good stuff in too. That’s the thing about everything, it holds EVERYTHING. And I can tune in to that too. Can’t hold the good stuff either but can let it in, and that’s… marvellous.
C’est magnifique.
xoxo
