As ever, thanks to Havi for the concepts and tools and quite a bit of the language....
Chickening on the week that was. (Note to self: take notes throughout the week (journal?) so that this is easier to do, what with the recollections etc).
The hard
Massive misunderstandings
On both sides, and not speaking up or hearing, and feeling that it's unfair that they haven't spoken up, and plummeting into despair.
Despair
It sucks. It hurts. It makes me throw up. It is the pits.
Guilt and mistakes
Also suck, and hurt others. FFS, can I please NOT f*ck up for a while, please?
Obligations that I just don't care about but really make good use of the money they pay me for undertaking
Uggghghhhghghghgh.... (gutteral choking cough, ahem). Tangled. Resistance. Feeling all cobwebbed by this yukky, sticky stuff that is just IN THE WAY and takes up my time. Guilt. This work needs to get done, people are relying on me and I have made commitments to deliver. Arggh - trapped! Errrgghhh - leaving them in the lurch if I bail...
Autism Spectrum Disorder and other labels
Even though the label is really more of a pragmatic solution so we can best help him rather than a definitive description or explanation. Sadness. Knowing how lucky we've got it delegitimising the sadness = guilt (is there any way to get away from it?!?). It's a mother's job to worry, and I do.
Paperwork
Churning through piles and piles of paperwork and forms that are months overdue. Inner critic rolling papers into batons and hitting me over the head with how stupid and lazy and self-sabotaging I am and what a bad job I'm doing at taking care of my beautiful baby boy and obviously you LIKE the money dramas because otherwise you'd DO BETTER.
Exhaustion
Getting up early fairly consistently to help build my glorious greenhouse but then fetishising late nights as usual and not factoring in enough sleep at the other end. Physical exhaustion adding to emotional exhaustion and please can we stop the roller coaster already and just cruise for a while I am feeling nauseous and it's not fun anymore.
The Good
Reconnection
Finding my way back into The Nook, back to the painful-but-honest and wavering-but-hopeful place and knowing that the wavering is just me getting my land legs back and that I AM on solid ground and we WILL be able to make things beautiful.
Sadness
Well, no, the sadness is Hard, but the fact that I'm feeling it means that I'm not employing defensive avoidance techniques like anger and ignoring and weird-arse rationalisations and means that I'm moving through it, experiencing it for what it is (and I CAN handle it) and it is like the morning mist and that forgiveness will come soon and then it will dissolve like the mist and I will be able to let go of the pain and the sadness over the pain too. Sad is hard but also okay, it's temporary and appropriate. And after sad will come forgiveness and letting go. That's empowering.
Greenhouse construction commences
Have been making good progress and having good insights into how to build and maintain a greenhouse that will support and help me live and give best.
Insight into why work sucks
I don't care about saving a rotting ship! I joined the ship's crew to be part of the idea transport business, and now they have invented airplanes and telephone exchanges. Idea transport is about the IDEAS, not the mode of transport. #epiphany
Shiva Nata
Getting better at some of it. At least getting better at keeping my arms up for longer than two minutes at a time. Developing muscles in my lower back and core. Doing it regularly.
Did you get that?
I said... DOING IT REGULARLY!
Oh my, yes! Something that is GOOD for me! I know it is hard to believe but I am. I believe in it and it has medical science behind it not just woo woo. Much as I love and value woo.
Frank
Introduced Frank to family. Went down well without any of the rubbishing I was expecting to cop. Not that Frank's voice is easy to hear over the Usual Suspects shouting and beating me about the head and screeching. But I know she is there and is looking at them like Supernanny looks at little brats having a tantrum and they KNOW she's looking at them and they are sooo going to sit in the naughty chair and IIII know that there is no naughty chair they will be taken out for a quiet lunch in quiet place and we will talk with them which makes their tantrums a bit easier to live through.
Oh man, can I please reiterate the wish for some calm? I'm tired.....
xoC
