Finding the emotional needs that are being filled by avoiding whatever you are avoiding.
~Havi Brooks
(But of course. Find this sentence along with a mountain of other cool stuff to get you out of procrastinating here.)
What am I avoiding?
Getting on with my mammoth to do list. Specifically, the housework.
Why might that be?
Because it's boring. Because it's depressingly repetitive. Because it's a time suck. Because I can't find a way to just keep it cleaner. What's the point of getting up I'll just have to go to bed again anyway but less silly and more depressingly true.
Because after the housework is the menu planning/shopping list writing and bill sorting/paying and both of those involve money and anything in that sphere makes me really really uncomfortable.
Because I'm tired.
Because I wish I had done it earlier in the day when I did feel really energised instead of putting it off til later banking on the idea that I would have energy later. Because I feel STOOPID and having to do housework when I'm tired is just a big ol' reminder of how stoopid I am every second I do it.
Because my usual pattern is to put off hard stuff and do crap instead and this morning I ... think I did a little bit of worthwhile stuff? I read the friday chickens and wrote out my list of things I wanted to do over the next few days.
Oh bugger, I really thought I was going to come up with something more than that so I could say "but today I didn't fall into that pattern".
But maybe I can still say I didn't fall into the old pattern. Maybe I'm just not remembering things accurately. It feels like I did do good, meaningful, valuable stuff, not time-wasting crap. Maybe I did do that but it took ages because I'm not very efficient at it yet.
Point being, I'm putting it off because doing it would mean:
- pushing through physical tiredness
- dealing with regret over another mismanaged day
- coming closer to the money confrontations
- and the sense that I'm a hopeless good for nothing loser who will never be any good at anything that most people can do without a problem. Like housework. And managing money. And organising their time so they get stuff done and after 48 hours would have managed to dig themselves OUT of the squalor.
(Editor's note: Mess. It is messy here. It is not squalor, it just feels that way to Author-Me).
What needs is avoiding doing the housework addressing?
- Need for distraction (get me out of this triggery uncomfortable stuff)
Ie. "I want comfort"
- Need for interesting things to do (I heart navel gazing)
Ie. "I want hope" (cos that's what self work always gives me)
- Need for rest
Ie. "I want to go to bed"
Okay, so how can I give myself comfort, hope and rest?
I could go to bed. I could forgive myself for mismanaging a day, if that's what I did. It's a process. A thousand miles and a singles step blah blah perspective blah. When I'm well-rested it's much easier to be happy, hopeful and positive. And energised.
I can remember that it's all an experiment, and if I do go to bed and wake up tomorrow and find that I'm still stuck I'll try something else. (Besides, the shame is mounting so the ol' deadline kicking my backside trick will be stronger).
And, side-note, I can pull out my Monster Manual and haul out a technique on this cynical demeaning monster that has been snidely mumbling its hairy little arse off throughout this conversation.
Hmmmm, don't have to. He's talking now... (That's one of the awesome things about the Manual, by the way, it's EFFICIENT!)
Me: Okay, so what do you have to say?
Sulking monster: You always just want to go to bed. You always manage to mess up the day and make some crappy excuse for it. You're always working on your stuff and still being stuck. When are you going to be just BETTER already?
Me: shit you sound like someone I know.
Sulky: Yeah, well, it's true. That's why you hate it when he says that stuff. Because you suspect it might be true.
Me: But it's just unreasonable. I am allowed to be faulty and not quite there yet. Life: it is a process. You get better over time. IF you get started on working on your stuff AT ALL EVER. Which, excuse me, but about a gazillion per cent of people DON'T so could I please get some credit for working on it AT ALL? Please?
Sulky: *sulks*
Me: How about we start tracking our progress? Going back every six months or so and looking at where we're at and what we believe and what we're still struggling with and what we've learned. Could we do that? Like with kids, how you don't realise they're growing until everyone keeps commenting on how big he's got and you see the next day that yes, his pants are ridiculously too short he must be growing after all.
Would having some evidence that YES we are actually making progress as we struggle step by step through these turgid waters help you cut back on the "always" and the "never" and the general "doom doom doom"?
(Like yesterday when we worked out that it is ALWAYS going to involve struggle so stop struggling with the FACT of the struggle and you'll stop adding to the overall quantity of struggle! PROGRESS!!)
(Hehehe... "struggle". that's a funny word. Like some kind of teddy bear. Awwww, Struggle... Struggly-strug. Struggy. My struggy-struuuug!)
Alright, can I go to bed already?
Sulky: Yes Struggly.
Me: Thanks Strugg.
xxx
